For years I longed to be a grandmother. My desire was to be able to keep them here safe at home, because their mothers had to work. God granted me the ability to keep watch over Daniel until he was two years old and over Jacob until he was one year old. No one has ever been so blessed.

We would sing their favorite songs the special Mamaw way. Daniel’s was “Jesus Loves Me.” We added all the names of the people they loved and was sure Jesus loved also. Daniel would start getting drowsy as his little arm came up around his neck and his “sleepy elbow” would stick out in front of his chin as he clutched his dog, Mutzart. Jacob’s favorite was “Amazing Grace.” That belonged to his mother, Kim, and him, but he let me sing it as he drifted off to sleep sucking on his thumb with his forefinger curled over his freckled nose. They both loved “Old MacDonald” which could run on as long as half an hour as we thought of the sounds on his farm. When we sang “The Wheels On The Bus, Mamaw always forgot where the bus was going, much to the boys delight. The bus would always end up in a nearby city with the boys protesting that it was “all the way to town.”

I would not exchange those years for anything on this earth even although the physical requirements were causing my health to worsen day by day. I was living in constant pain from several chronic ailments. The doctors informed me that I was reinjuring myself each time I picked up one of the babies, those precious babies that I wanted to hold and love on all day long.

What do you do? How can you just quit something you love? How can you let everyone down? What would happen to the babies? How could I survive without them here every day? What earthly use would I be to anyone in this condition? I felt like a complete and utter failure.

Thank the Lord that I did not have to make the decision. The doctors made it for me. If I continued on the way I was, I would end up in the hospital or worse. My husband, J. W., and I talked about the best time for me to quit. Around Jacob’s first birthday, I told my daughters that I just was physically unable to keep them on a daily basis any more. It was one of the hardest things I had ever had to do.

Two years ago Elizabeth enrolled Daniel in Tri-Cities Christian School. I have watched him develop from a shy, quite child into an outgoing, thoughtful, and confident leader. He went into the school crying and staying off to himself. One of the other older children came over to him and made him feel better. Now when another younger child comes into daycare and is crying, Daniel is the one who unhesitatingly and thoughtfully offers to show him the ropes.

I spent Grandparents’ Day with Daniel. We had our picture made together, the first picture I have voluntarily made in thirty years, and I actually like it. He was so proud that his Mamaw was there, that he introduced me to everyone that he saw. As we stood in the lunch line, he looked up at me and said matter-of-factly, “Mamaw, did you know there is one God, just one, and only one God?” As I smiled I said, “Yes, Daniel, that’s right.” “And, Mamaw, did you know that He is three in one? He is God the Fodder, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit”. Out of the mouths of babes come such wisdom. God placed him here for a reason. I have not lost my place in his life, I have gained another. As I see him grow it is easier to see my part in his new life. He still needs me, just in a different way.

Two years ago Kim entered Jacob into a Christian daycare which will remain nameless. He had to be potty trained to get into the daycare where Daniel is. We would go to pick up Jacob and he was clearly not taken care of properly. My nightmare had been realized. He could not stay there and I was in worse condition than ever. I felt completely useless.

Kim talked with my sister, Linda, and her daughter, Ellen, who is being home schooled. Ellen is a teenager who is much older than her years and loves babies. Ellen is taking care of Jacob with Linda’s help. As it turns out Jacob is the type of child who has so much energy that it takes several people to keep up with him. When he first went there Pa Bill was still alive. Jacob kept Pa Bill active until he went to be with the Lord in 2004. Jacob was supposed to be there. His Great-Uncle “Shred”, Fred, keeps him on his toes and he loves his great-cousin Cliff.

Linda has started home schooling Jacob this past year. He has learned so much. She teaches him Bible every day and does Christian crafts with him. At the same time he is learning to cook, to plant potatoes, to harvest the garden, to can, to work with wood, and to work on vehicles. Whatever the family is doing he is right there in the middle of it all.

Last week as the family was processing a deer to be frozen, three year old Jacob and his cousin, four year old Daniel, were in the hall with their trucks when Cliff just happened to be passing by unnoticed by the two who were talking as they played.

This is the conversation he overheard: Jacob asked Daniel, “Are you going to heaven?” Daniel immediately said, “Yes.” Jacob asked, “Why?” Daniel answered, “Because that is where God is. Are you going to heaven?” Jacob said, “Yes.” Daniel inquired, “How do you know?” Jacob said, “Because I am saved.”

To think that these two toddlers where having this conversation as naturally as breathing assures me that God does know what is best for us all. They may be too young to fully know what they were talking about now, but God is allowing the seeds to be planted and watered. He will give the increase.

I cannot be everything to my children and grandchildren. I cannot give them all the good things I want them to have. When I came to the end of myself I found that God can provide better than I ever could for all of us.

Now I am content to just be me here in this ever-changing place that God has planted me. I cannot do it all. God did not expect that of me. I did. I am just the Mamaw who doesn’t go off to work every day. I am just the Mamaw who has limitations. I am just the Mamaw who is there when Daniel is sick. I am just the Mamaw when the girls need someone to watch the babies overnight. I am not super-grandmother. I am just the Mamaw of Daniel and Jacob.

We have just found out that Emily Elizabeth Rhymer, Emmie, will make her appearance in May. This is our third grandchild and Daniel’s baby sister. The desire to keep watch over this baby is as strong as it was with the first two. Only God can give me the strength to do so. He can and has brought forth strength out of weakness. Whatever he works is best for this Mamaw and her grandbabies. After all, I am just the Mamaw.

Shirley Anne Cox Scox2@chartertn.net