He Restoreth My Soul

by | Jun 1, 1999 | Blessing, Experiencing God, Surrender, Will of God


That’s what I felt when the nurse confirmed what I had known for weeks: I was pregnant.

I didn’t know what to feel, so I just felt nothing. Void.

Perhaps it was because I never, in my worst nightmare, imagined this would ever happen to me. With the sound of the words resonating in my ears, I felt a million miles away from the life I had known, a million miles away from my family, and light years away from God.

It’s still hard to imagine how the choices that led to my pregnancy ever occurred. I had grown up in a wonderful home with loving parents that are deeply grounded in the word of God. My older brother always served as an example of strong character and work ethic. My best friend, confidante, and sometimes nemesis, was all rolled into the body of my twin sister Shelley. We had grown up in Church, and our relationship with God was always first priority. After high school, Shelley and I headed to Evangel College to play basketball. It was during my sophomore year that things began to change.

I met a man, a student, who was determined to strike up a relationship between us. I was admittedly naïve, and eventually I began to date him. Through the next two years of school we continued our relationship. Shelley and I remained in Springfield after leaving school. I had decided to remain close to my boyfriend, who by now had led me to believe that no one else could ever want me. This became my downfall. I gave in to his physical advances, knowing even then that this choice was going to change my life. I just didn’t understand how great those changes would be.

From the first time we were together intimately, I knew in my heart I was pregnant. I refused to tell anyone, even Shelley, for fear of causing anyone pain and disappointment. Telling my parents was out of the question, not because they wouldn’t understand, but because I didn’t want to face them. A perfect example of how Satan uses fear and selfishness. By this time, I had completely left God out of the equation. After all, why would God have anything to do with someone as horrible as me?

Just before Easter I went to the pregnancy center to confirm my worst fears. I had decided to have an abortion. I will never forget the looks and words from the abortion opponents picketing the center, further convincing me I could never return to church. I suppose they didn’t realize how they were causing more pain to women who were already hurting, who needed love and comfort, the kind that Christ gave to every hurting man and woman he met on earth and will still give to a hurting world today if we, as Christians will let him use us.

Following the news of my condition, the nurse explained my options. I didn’t want to take time off from work to have the abortion and the money was not available. After a month of trying to work out the details, I gave up on the choice of abortion. Quite often, God answers prayers with what He doesn’t let you have.

The farther away I fell from God, the worse things got. A spiral that so many fall into, and there seems to be no way out, or so Satan wants you to believe. I truly believed the only way to end my hurt was to end my life. This wasn’t in God’s plan. I decided to overdose on sleeping pills and sleep right through it. I asked Shelley to go to the store for me, telling her I couldn’t get any rest and needed something to help me sleep. As luck, or God would have it, Shelley couldn’t find any sleeping pills.

With my first two options thwarted, my only choice as I saw it was to move away. At this point I was six months pregnant, and still no one knew, not even Shelley. I couldn’t find a way to tell her that I was trying to protect her from the pain I was going through. In retrospect, knowing how we experience each other’s emotions, she was probably hurting for me anyway, not knowing for sure why.

The night of June 6th, I had unbearable cramps and reluctantly my boyfriend took me to the hospital. I was told I had torn the placenta. Now I can see how God had his hand on me that night.

When I called home, my father was away working. I spoke to my mother and informed her of the situation. It’s impossible to describe how hard those words came, feeling that I had done something so terrible that no one could ever love me again, not my parents, not even God. My mother told me I needed to be home and we would see this through. She told me his would be the most loved baby God ever created. I was still buying into the lie that I could never return to the relationship I had with God. This is where God showed me grace, revealed to me that we are what we are because he loves us, not because we’ve earned it. No one is worthy that He hasn’t made worthy though grace. You can always follow the footprints covered with grace back to God, no matter how far you think you are from Him.

The next day my father drove home from Kansas, and I spoke to everyone in my family. I will never forget my father telling me he wished I would reconsider and come home. “Kelley,” he said with a calm, reassuring voice that echoed his convictions, “You need to get right with God, I don’t want to stand before Him without my children.” I still cry when I remember those words. Naturally, I came home.

From that point, things began to slowly come back together. My parents never demanded that I go to church, it was merely understood. With Shelley acting as an icebreaker, I began to realize the people at Lakeside Assembly of God were anxious to accept me with open arms. Healing was a long process, but seeing God’s grace extended through people made it possible.

The fall of that year saw the arrival of Jessica. She was immediately a blessing to the whole family and has been a constant reminder of what God will do if you will give even the most difficult situations to Him. Even though the restoration of my life and relationship with God continued through the next few years, I am happy to report that God has met every single need in my life. I have a wonderful husband, Steve, who just happens to have the same last name and together we have a son, Sean. I’ve had the opportunity to tell a number of girls in the same predicament I was in that God never left them, and that He wants to work a miracle in their lives. If they still don’t believe me, I just call for Jessi, and show them my miracle.

True Story by Kelley Freeman srf@swbell.net


He Restoreth My Soul