As a child, growing up, I developed a fear of hospitals, doctors, and nurses. Even the pungent, cloying smells that always permeated the halls would send me into a panic.

Fortunately, back in those days, people did not take their children to the doctor at the first sign of a drippy nose or cough, or at least my mother did not. She was of the opinion that good old home remedies were just as good in most cases. With this kind of thinking, I was able to avoid doctors.

There were a few times that I could not, however. Some times, doctors would come to my school and check the children for different things. I remember standing in line with the other kids, my stomach in knots, and my skinny legs about to give way. I tried to stand there, pretending to everyone that nothing was wrong. I do not know if I fooled everyone, but when the doctor checked me, I am sure my little heart was beating so fast, that he was not fooled for a minute.

After I married and began to start a family, there was no way to avoid doctor visits. They were a trial for me, and with each visit, the fear just seemed to mushroom within me. Of course, no one is perfect, so sometimes the doctor would prescribe medicine for me that either did not help, or would give me terrible side effects. These experiences increased my fears. After giving birth to three children, experiencing one miscarriage, and even an operation, the fear continued to escalate. I finally came to the point, where I would not even consider going to the doctor.

Since becoming a Christian in my mid twenties, I have always believed in the power of prayer for healing. God blessed me with good health for the most part, but there were times when I went to him for healing. I am sure God was pleased that I believed in his healing power, but my prayer was based on fear more than faith. I was going to God for help, because I was too afraid to go to the doctor. I know this was not what God wanted. Prayers should be untainted by fear, and motivated by faith.

As I grew older, I had health issues that went unattended for years. I would give every excuse to myself and my family for not taking proper care of myself. Finally, fear ruled my life, coloring every aspect of it.

I was trapped and paralyzed. Satan had me where he wanted me. Yes, I was a child of God, but that does not keep the enemy from trying to destroy us and get our focus off God. Fear is not of God, for it is the opposite of faith. So therefore, I was not letting God rule my life, but through ignorance, I was letting the enemy have his way.

While I was stumbling around in this darkness, God was faithful. Patiently, he was trying to show me the way out. He was trying to show me the truth, for we all know that as the bible teaches us, the truth will set us free.

One day I was watching television. There was a show about animal rescues. Aging and abused elephants were being taken to a sanctuary where they could live out their remaining lives free and happy. Those poor animals were so afraid, that they had to be put in a small building when they first arrived. You see, they were so used to being in captivity, that even though they were not chained anymore, they were afraid to step through the door to their freedom. They did not realize that just a few feet away stood paradise for them. If they would take that first step, they would find a huge, wonderful place filled with bright sunshine, blue sky, and trees that swayed in the breeze, along with other elephants waiting for them to join their group.

To get the new elephant out of the building, the keepers would have one of the other elephants come to the door to encourage them to step out. This usually took a day or two before the frightened elephant would have the courage to do so. They did not prod the elephant. It had to make up its own mind what it wanted to do…stay in fear and captivity, or step out and be free.

God showed me that day, that I was just like that elephant. It was my choice. I could continue to live in fear, or make the decision to step out into freedom. Until I made that decision on my own, he could not help me out of the bondage I was in. My freedom was just a step away, just as the elephant’s. In God’s loving way, he was outside the building I was in, saying, “Come on out, you’re not captive any more, my son set you free when he hung from Mt. Calvary’s cross.”

Thinking about all that God had showed me, I knew I had to make a decision. I was afraid, but I was ready to make that step. “God”, I said, “I am yours, and I only want to follow you. I am ready to step out and follow you to the place that I yearn to be, a place of freedom, where fear does not dwell.”

From that day until now, a battle has been raged. I had to look fear in the face. God did not take the fear from me, but he showed me how to defeat it. I have learned to be brave and trust God to walk me through these battlefields. Each one I have crossed has made me stronger and the enemy weaker. Although I still dislike going to the doctor, I am now capable of doing so. I am still out there with the elephants, praise God!

Judy Spikes copyright 2003 jjcc@bellsouth.net