It is hard to write when your heart is breaking, but something deep
inside me needs to say this right now. At this moment I am sitting in a
chair by my Dad's bedside in the nursing home where he has lived for the
past few months. His breathing is slowly getting more labored as he
sleeps.
Fortunately new medications have eased the pain and
seizures he was having, but it is only a matter of time until he leaves
this world now.
It has been a long struggle for him the last few
years. C.O.P.D, repeated bouts of pneumonia, lung cancer, prostrate
cancer, brain cancer, radiation, and chemotherapy have slowly battered
both his body and his mind. In the end it was the brain cancer than did
the most damage leaving him confused, paralyzed on his left side, and
having horrible seizures. In the end it will take everything but his
spirit. Thankfully, that will rest in God's loving hands.
The
last few days my brothers and I have been spending most of our time by
his bed.
Sometimes it has been all three of us, sometimes two,
and sometimes just one. Most of the time we have just held his hand and
talked to his spirit still trapped in his body. And we have all prayed
to God to let Dad's suffering end soon so he can join my Mom, Nana,
and the rest of his family who have passed on into the love and the
light.
A few minutes ago the nurses and aides came in to check on
him. Even though they too know his time is near they still treated him
with the same love and tenderness they have since he arrived here from
the Veterans' Hospital. Their kind words and soothing touches always
calmed his spirit even as his body and mind continued to weaken. They
were not afraid to see death even in its most horrible form. I am so
thankful that he had them here as well.
It has been hard on me
and my brothers seeing my Dad's body and mind grow so weak.
He
was always such a tough and rugged man. He was only five foot four but
was as stout as a tree stump. He taught me so much growing up too. He
taught me hard work. For most of his days he worked all day as a
mechanic only to come home and work in our gardens in the evening.
Every Spring too my brothers and I would help him chop and stack
five cords of wood to heat our house in the Winter. After he was hurt
and became disabled he taught me patience by letting me help him haul
wood, carry fresh water from our spring, and change the tires on his
truck. He taught me faith and strength as well. He could have given up
on life when his beloved wife lost her own battle with cancer over
twenty years ago, but he didn't. Instead he took care of her in her
final years and later took care of his aging Mom in her final years too.
He never complained either. He just gave and loved unconditionally. In
the end my Dad even taught me about growth and love. He had been raised
in a different time when Men were supposed to be strong and not show
their emotions.
In his last months, though, my Dad outgrew that
upbringing. He told me and my brothers again and again what we already
knew in our hearts, that he loved us.
Now as I sit here by his
bed I can only think of what a good life he has lived and what a good
man he has been. I know that God at the end of our days here looks deep
in our souls to see the love we have shared, spread, and given to
others. I can only pray that one day I may have loved as deeply and as
well as my Dad has.
I don't know how much longer my Dad has now
as I write this. It is like his spirit is ready to move on but his body
hasn't gotten the message. I take comfort in knowing, however, that the
long and often difficult life he had here was only a day in the eternity
of love, joy, peace, happiness, and light that he will be going to.
I love you Dad. I have loved you since the second I was born into
this world. I will love you for all the seconds I have left here as
well. And in the end we will share our love in Heaven forever.
__________________
My Dad died several hours after I finished
writing this just after receiving Last Rites. He will be missed and he
will be remembered.
By my Dad's Bedside
Today's Bible Verse:
"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest
of these is love." (1Cor 13:13)
By my Dad's Bedside
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