Carole loved her estranged husband so much that she would do just about anything for him and he knew this. She was happy to settle for a man who agreed to still call her once a day so long as she didn’t interfere with his new relationship with another woman. She sought God’s hand but her heart belonged to her husband. Carole was so afraid of being alone that she accepted these arrangements and lived for his call each day. When he forgot to call or had other plans with the other woman she would become depressed and angry with God. She would drive by his apartment and call his cell phone repeatedly until he answered. She claimed she loved God above all else but her actions proved that she only wanted His quick fix.

God used this dependency on her husband to change her and draw her closer to Him. I tried to help her ease her burden by gently telling her to just be patient and leave him at the foot of the cross. Her husband Robert told her he didn’t want to be with her because of her smothering ways. She always had to know everything about him and what he was doing. In her eyes, she simply loved him so much she wanted to attend to every detail of his life for him. In his eyes he was being smothered and was afraid by how dependant Carole was on him. Her prayers always consisted of a request to MAKE Robert love her again and MAKE him come back. For two years she prayed this prayer and when I suggested to her that she ask God to give her the wisdom to know what else to pray for she said, “The Bible says if I ask I will receive”. This relationship was so unhealthy for both people but she didn’t see it that way.

Finally, one day Robert told Carole that he was filing for divorce and marrying his new women. Carole was devastated. She came to me and begged me to tell her what to do, what to pray for and what to say to God to MAKE Robert come back. I’m merely a human being who could only advise her to pray for wisdom. Very slowly Carole began to pray to God asking Him what she was doing wrong and how to make things better. She had hit the brick wall so many times that she was finally ready to just give it to God. And gradually, she started seeing answers to her prayers. She started to realize that she couldn’t MAKE Robert love her and she couldn’t MAKE him change, she had to change herself first and she did. She stopped calling him every five minutes and with all of her strength, she went a whole 5-days without speaking to him. Robert noticed and HE started calling HER!

One little baby step at a time she started changing her ways, after several weeks she was able to deny Robert the many things he asked for knowing that in the past he had an easy ride. She stopped giving him money, and quit cooking his meals. After all, he had a new lady that should be doing that for him. She was realizing that she was putting Roberts needs in front of everything, including herself and God. She would come to see me and tell me how it was torture to not pick up the phone and call him but with all her strength she resisted and went into her room and just prayed and prayed and prayed. She said the only thing she could think of to pray was,

“God, please help me I don’t know what to do and I can’t take the ache in my soul”.

Little by little you could sense the peace she was feeling. She said she felt she had to pray for Robert to reciprocate her affection and her caring ways. She also realized that she was smothering him. She asked God to help her change too.

Robert started coming around and his heart was visibly softening and one evening as they walked on the beach together, he told her he saw the change in her and liked it. She shared her new found faith and love for God with him and he was impressed. He eventually asked her back into his life and by then Carole had become so dependant on GOD that she told Robert that until he could meet her on her level and allow Jesus into their marriage, she couldn’t take him back. She had finally realized what it meant to put God first. She knew that unless Robert had accepted Jesus he would only pull her away from The Lord. They had to be on the same level in order for the marriage to work.

Jesus was unknown to Robert and Carole prayed with all of her heart that the Lord would enlighten him. She prayed that Godly people would cross his path and she prayed for the wisdom to know how to speak about The Lord to him. Three months later, Robert accepted The Lord into his heart and soon after they renewed their marriage vows.

Carole and Robert now serve the Lord together. Their marriage is stronger than it ever was. Carole realized that her prayers to MAKE Robert love her were only the beginning, she had to be loveable. By changing herself, Robert changed. Her prayers stopped focusing on MAKING him love her and began focusing on the other issues in their marriage that needed repairing. There are many things that make up love. She realized which were lacking in her relationship and began praying for those things as well as keeping love in Roberts heart. Robert now looks to The Lord for help in being more affectionate and more respectful. He no longer leaves the burden of the entire household on Carole’s back. They share it.

In order to restore love, you have to clean out all of the garbage. Sometimes making someone love you isn’t enough to produce a lifetime of happiness with our partner. Love is our foundation, But if you’re praying for God to MAKE them love you and nothing is happening, take a closer look. Tap into God’s wisdom and ask Him to show you what else needs to be prayed for such as fidelity, soberness, anger, etc. Let God remove those elements thru prayer so that your relationship is free of them. Then add to your foundation of love, respect, honor, caring compassion, affection, etc. Thinking that you can live without these things to simply be with the person you love isn’t what God wants for you. Ask Him to help YOU change as well. Remember, the only way to change another person is to first change you.

Michele Washam BabyBlu809@aol.com